Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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