Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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