I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
