Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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