Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
