AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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