Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
