Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
