I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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