she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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