if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
