Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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