There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize