Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
