I can tuck mytits in my pants
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
