I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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