Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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