I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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