you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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