Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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