Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
