Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
