Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize