Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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