you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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