Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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