from now on my penis is your penis
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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