Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think my tv is drunk
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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