you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
