I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
