The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
