apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
