It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
