When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
