I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
