I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
