Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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