tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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