Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My vagina is very pro this idea
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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