i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
