Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
