thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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