There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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