My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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