I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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