i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
