Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
