I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
