Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
