just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
