Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
