Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
