So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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