I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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