You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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