Can Purell be used as lube?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
