i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
