Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
